Thank you, readers and/or spammers, for making Fantasy Heartbreaker the number one Google result for “Justin Bieber BDSM.” And the number nine Google result for “Justin Bieber Abstinence.”

I wish I had some kind of present to offer you, here… maybe Justin Bieber chastity porn or something, but… dude’s all underage and shit.

Let’s talk about some of my other recent search terms, though, shall we?

ideas for a really fucking awesome book

I was the number one search result for that one, too, for a couple of days. Now I’m down to three or four.

Here are some things your really fucking awesome book should have:

• Mouth-punching by page three
• A completely baffled child
• Tongue-kissing by page four
• A dated hairdo
• A Conan the Destroyer reference
• Nice outfits
• At least one robot who is both turbo hot and owns their own sexuality
• A really awkward phone call

how to dress like a wizard hobbit

No such thing. Hobbits are too happy with their lot in life to be wizards. On the other hand, it’s totally possible a hobbit might want to dress like a wizard for some kind of costume party, because that’s the kind of thing that hobbits have been known to get up to. Fancy dress. Very big in the shire.

So that kind of wizard hobbit would probably start going along in the direction of authenticity, but eventually decide on comfort and what’s at hand. So he’d start with the big black boots, like Gandalf, but then he’d decide, nah, my hairy feet are good enough, and more attractive, besides. He probably wouldn’t have a pointy hat, so he’d settle for a floppy one.

Ultimately, he’d look kinda like that little dude Tochiro from the Emeraldas/Harlock/Galaxy Express movies.

heartbreaker.com porn

heartbreaker latino gay porn

Apparently, my neighbors at heartbreaker.com are a porn site. Though I had a peek, mind, and they don’t really seem that committed to it. Name like heartbreaker, I expect passion, pain, some kind of… I don’t know… thing for men who are taking their mid-life crisis really badly. Like, uhm, school uniforms and sports cars. Or… Bon Jovi but with the dancers from Robert Palmer videos.

On the second query, I would totally watch a gay porn remake of Conan the Destroyer featuring a Latino porn star named Heartbreaker. If you’re a pornographer and you decide to use this idea, please consider letting me write a draft. I’m talented, reliable, and used to turning work on short deadlines.

succubus dungeons and dragons kiss

One of the things about Dungeons & Dragons is that it really isn’t very nice to monsters. Take, for example, the succubus, one of D&D‘s many takes on “pretty ladies hate your saving throws.”

The succubus, as of third edition, can take any shape, speak any language, and can teleport. That sounds pretty awesome for a night out on the town, right? Fix whatever little imperfections your demon biology has with some polymorph action. Take an ethereal jaunt downtown. And then, seduce that hot foreign art student in his own language.

Good deal, right?

Unfortunately, no. Because, as it turns out, the succubus can’t kiss — or even hug — anybody without draining their levels. Yep.

Now, maybe, first date, your gentleman friend doesn’t notice. You peck him on his cheek, you say goodnight, in the morning he can’t find one of his levels and he figures it’s just coincidence.

But, sooner or later, he’s going to notice. And, you know, that’s going to take its toll on a relationship.

So the succubus is the saddest monster. A lot of times, she just polymorphs into an ooze, because nobody expects an ooze to hug.

On the other hand, she gets a bonus to Listen checks, which means you can call her when things aren’t going so well.