Thief
On Facebook, Eddy Webb, Neal Stidham, Kenneth Brooks and I took to brainstorming new character classes. Here are the results, from Fraterminator to Entrepreneur Who Thinks Crowdfunding Is A Business Model.
- Fraterminator
- That One Girl From That Party That Time
- Baristassassin
- Anonymous Drummer
- Own Worst Enemy
- Retromancer
- Megaface
- Broboticist
- Scrum Emperor
- Kung-fu Succubus
- Keanu Reaver
- Murder Pixie Dream Girl
- Lion Tamer (not a dude who tames lions, but a lion who tames dudes)
- Saigon Kickboxer
- Muay Timetraveler
- Thompson Twin-Wielder
- Zombie-hunting Catperson
- Regina Spectre
- Ninja Detective Tutor
- Vampyromancer
- Bifurious Roommate
- This Matroyshka Kills Fascists
- Hooker With a Heart of Plutonium
- Dokkensei
- Dual Whedon
- Revolvoltron
- Superheated Gas Station Attendant
- Hellbeastmaster
- Wishmastermaster
- Real Housewife of Pandemonium
- Acheron Swanson
- The Face that Launched a Thousand Warheads
- The Responsible Party
- Die Hard On A Character Sheet
- Paperback Writer
- Paperback Protagonist
- Tetragrammaton Cleric
- Roman Emperor Penguin
- Czar Czar Gabor
- Film Noir Samurai
- The Man with a Howitzer for a Hand
- Wave Motion Analyst
- Rent-a-Copkiller
- Thin Blue Ley Line Walker
- Glitter Boy That Launches Smaller Glitter Boys
- Jean Claude Van Helsing
- Ex-Boyfriend Who Was, in Retrospect, Probably Right
- Stand Alone Cassandra Complex
- Oedipus-209
- Guy Who Has Jenny’s Number
- Robocopter
- Jenny
- Blue Thunder Lizard
- Airwerewolf
- Viper That Also Drives A Car Called Viper
- Mr T Rex
- Runeblade Runner
- Last Emperor of Your Favorite Record Store
- Kwisatz Hammersmith
- Amazon.communist
- Sonic the Hedge Mage
- Former President Randolph Carter
- American Fangster
- Bolsheviking
- Banana Republican
- Demoncrat
- Electro Magnate
- Martyr Mom
- Blind Asgardian
- Edward Scissoreverything
- Parish Elder God
- Doctor Doom Metal
- Madonna Horror Complex
- Very Extreme Couponer
- Radioactivist
- Marc Bladesinger
- Rubén Bladesinger
- Wesley Snipes in: Bladesinger
- Something About Jade and Lotus Blossoms with a Katana
- Gillette Triple Bladesinger
- Light-medium-and-heavy-saber
- Jedi Clampett
- Internet Grammarian
- Grammar Nazi Hunter
- Auguste Rodan
- Dishonor Harrington
- Homicide Girl
- Wendigojira
- Behemothra
- The Original Party Animal
- Party Manimal
- John Carpenter’s Grendel
- Dhalgrendel
- The Venerable Bleed
- Time Traveler’s Insurance Agent
- She From the Cranberries
- Tesseractuary
- Deadeyed Susan
- Tales From The Cryptologist
- Like if Ophelia had been Carrie
- Harlan Telekinellison
- Frank Frazetta’s Deathdealer of the Author
- Roland Barthes Deschain
- Franchise Killer
- Mademoiselle Guillotine
- Our Lady of Perpetual Motion
- The guy who somehow learned perfect kung fu from playing Go, even though kung fu is a Chinese martial art and Go is Japanese and it doesn’t make sense
- Carbon Cop
- Tom Chainsawyer
- Chaingun Smoker
- The Grey-Ethical-Area Mouser
- HG Gravity Well
- Time Mechanic
- Straw Feminist
- Wicker Feminist
- Pied Bagpiper
- Mexican Pet Store Owner
- Two-Fisted Genealogist
- Four-Fisted Anything
- Nikki Six-Gun
- Ghost With Boundary Issues
- Alcoholic Pikeman With Aspirations
- Insecure Whaleslinger
- Motivational Speaker For The Dead
- Freddy Kruger-Dunning
- Gothic Heroine Running Away From a House
- The House In The Above Scenario
- Best Friend (Who Does Not Meet the Beauty Standard) in Romantic Comedy
- Stickerbook Renegade
- The Reason You No Longer Go There
- Jukebox Antihero
- Revisionist Historian
- Traditional Marriage Broker
- Hug Demiurge
- Drew Barrymore in Firestarter’s Brain On Drugs
- Kenneth Brooks Unironic Unicorn
- The Last Unicron
- Friend Who Got Into Jesus Like, Way Into Jesus
- Demiurge Overkill
- Gnostradamus
- Foreign Exchange Student Somehow Doing Better in English Than You
- Nelly Frankenfurtado
- R Kelly’s Urologist
- Elvis Presbyterian
- Professor Who Got High With Your Dad
- Elvish Presley
- The Friend Whose Band Actually Went Somewhere, But Then Their Label Wanted Her To Lose Weight and Date Men
- Theoretical Physiologist
- Audre Warlorde
- Sylvia Plathologist
- Wizard Who Tells Everybody He’s A Sorceror Because It’s Just Easier Than Explaining The Difference
- Ex-Fiance’s Mom Who Still Sends Christmas Cards
- It’s Complicator
- Same Sex Union Buster
- Magic Pinkerton
- Civil Action Hero
- Helsinki Accordionist
- Expository Farmhand
- Geneva Convention-goer
- Suspiciously Knowledgeable Minor Character
- Pro-Nom
- Trader Joe’s In-House Frustrated Playwright
- Love Interest Designated By Prophecy
- The Only One With Handwriting Neat Enough For the Sandwich Board
- More Interesting Protagonist Killed In Reel 1 of Horror Film
- Anti-Warlock
- Conscientious Objectifier
- Astral Projectionist
- Necromance Novelist
- Rides A Pale Horse Whisperer
- Programmer Certified in Agile Methodology You Can Never Remember the Name Of
- Kenneth Brooks Death Knight In White Satin
- White Knightrider
- Ladystreethawke
- Person Who Listens to Other People in the Bathroom and Wonders if They’re Normal
- Mechanophilanthropist
- Bromantic Poet
- Philadelphilologist
- Liberty Belle of the Ball
- Prolific Member of Internet Culture You’re Pretending You’ve Heard Of
- Scruffy Looking Nerf Modder
- Blarney Stoner
- Steampunk Semiotician
- Person Who Still Reads Slashdot
- Idiot Savate
- Lenny Bruce Lee
- R Swashbuckminster Fuller
- Guy Who Got Mistaken For Fidel Castro By The CIA One REALLY Awkward Night at the Bar
- Street Mimeographer
- Shield Law Maiden
- Valkyrie Kilmer
- Sarah Jessica Parkour
- Space Ghostbuster
- Shame-Based Therapist
- Interpoltergeist
- Light Emitting Dryad
- Not-so-secretly Wants to be Lou Reed
- Armageddy Lee
- Sweet Child of Light
- Artist Who Was, Under Strict NDA, in Negotiation to Take Over Drawing Peanuts
- Ronnie James Deist
- Creator Of a High-Profile CW Series Who Secretly Can’t Remember Which One
- “Band or Album” World Champion
- National Teleportation Safety Administrator
- Homeworld Security Agent
- Roommate’s Boyfriend You Saw In His Underwear And There Was Something Abnormal
- Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fire Elemental
- Girl You Kissed For a Really Long Time Before You Realized She Was More Into It Than You But You’d Actually Like To Hang Out Just With Less Tongue
- Warpstone Cowboy
- Ancient Mariner
- Somebody’s Kid, You’re Not Sure Whose
- Those People On Facebook Who Make Everyone Turn Off Notifications
- Voice Shouting Ethnic Slurs in COD That You Actually Think You Recognize
- Misanthropologist
- Anthropomorphologist
- Centaur for Advanced Research
- New Wave Film Director
- Social Lubricator
- Your Employer’s Albatross
- Strangelove Interest
- Fortune Cookie Writer Who Makes Way More Per Word Than You’d Think
- Alfred Hitchhiker
- Stanley Kubricklayer
- Last Louse on the Left
- Wes Craven’s Last Hunt
- Clarinetrunner
- Portmanotaur
- Malapropmaster
- There Is No Spoonerism
- Redditor In Tooth and Claw
- Wine-Dark Humorist
- Balloon Juicer
- Jimmy Walker in the Waste
- Author Who Wants To Write For Playboy For the Articles
- Stephen Kingmaker
- Truman Capo
- Blood and Gore Vidal
- Henry Louis Gatekeeper
- Alan Keyesmaster
- Professor Who Wrote A Book Arguing That Thomas Becket Really Had It Coming
- The Pillsbury Drone Boy
- Reactive Armorer
- Treaclemancer
- Brainstorm Knight
- Lightning Bottler
- Knight Airhead
- Druid Barrymore
- John Monolithgow
- Kingdom Heart Surgeon
- Klaus Nomad
- David Recurve Bowie
- Ifrit Elba
- Vin Dieselpunk
- Person On Your Feed That Might Or Might Not Be There Because You Slept With Them
- Waiter Who Might Have Been Flirting Or Might Have Thought You Were Creeping On Him
- Decryptozoologist
- Mainframe Fortean Programmer
- My Life With The Thrill Kill Cultist
- Innsmouth Looker
- Future Ex-Ghoulfriend
- Entrepreneur Who Thinks Crowdfunding Is A Business Model
- 19th Century BCE Queen of the Polyamorites
Somehow the world seems a little brighter today.
(Swiping some of these for a workplace comedy Buffy game.)