263 lines about 262 character classes

D&D Arcade Thief

Thief

On Facebook, Eddy Webb, Neal Stidham, Kenneth Brooks and I took to brainstorming new character classes. Here are the results, from Fraterminator to Entrepreneur Who Thinks Crowdfunding Is A Business Model.

  1. Fraterminator
  2. That One Girl From That Party That Time
  3. Baristassassin
  4. Anonymous Drummer
  5. Own Worst Enemy
  6. Retromancer
  7. Megaface
  8. Broboticist
  9. Scrum Emperor
  10. Kung-fu Succubus
  11. Keanu Reaver
  12. Murder Pixie Dream Girl
  13. Lion Tamer (not a dude who tames lions, but a lion who tames dudes)
  14. Saigon Kickboxer
  15. Muay Timetraveler
  16. Thompson Twin-Wielder
  17. Zombie-hunting Catperson
  18. Regina Spectre
  19. Ninja Detective Tutor
  20. Vampyromancer
  21. Bifurious Roommate
  22. This Matroyshka Kills Fascists
  23. Hooker With a Heart of Plutonium
  24. Dokkensei
  25. Dual Whedon
  26. Revolvoltron
  27. Superheated Gas Station Attendant
  28. Hellbeastmaster
  29. Wishmastermaster
  30. Real Housewife of Pandemonium
  31. Acheron Swanson
  32. The Face that Launched a Thousand Warheads
  33. The Responsible Party
  34. Die Hard On A Character Sheet
  35. Paperback Writer
  36. Paperback Protagonist
  37. Tetragrammaton Cleric
  38. Roman Emperor Penguin
  39. Czar Czar Gabor
  40. Film Noir Samurai
  41. The Man with a Howitzer for a Hand
  42. Wave Motion Analyst
  43. Rent-a-Copkiller
  44. Thin Blue Ley Line Walker
  45. Glitter Boy That Launches Smaller Glitter Boys
  46. Jean Claude Van Helsing
  47. Ex-Boyfriend Who Was, in Retrospect, Probably Right
  48. Stand Alone Cassandra Complex
  49. Oedipus-209
  50. Guy Who Has Jenny’s Number
  51. Robocopter
  52. Jenny
  53. Blue Thunder Lizard
  54. Airwerewolf
  55. Viper That Also Drives A Car Called Viper
  56. Mr T Rex
  57. Runeblade Runner
  58. Last Emperor of Your Favorite Record Store
  59. Kwisatz Hammersmith
  60. Amazon.communist
  61. Sonic the Hedge Mage
  62. Former President Randolph Carter
  63. American Fangster
  64. Bolsheviking
  65. Banana Republican
  66. Demoncrat
  67. Electro Magnate
  68. Martyr Mom
  69. Blind Asgardian
  70. Edward Scissoreverything
  71. Parish Elder God
  72. Doctor Doom Metal
  73. Madonna Horror Complex
  74. Very Extreme Couponer
  75. Radioactivist
  76. Marc Bladesinger
  77. Rubén Bladesinger
  78. Wesley Snipes in: Bladesinger
  79. Something About Jade and Lotus Blossoms with a Katana
  80. Gillette Triple Bladesinger
  81. Light-medium-and-heavy-saber
  82. Jedi Clampett
  83. Internet Grammarian
  84. Grammar Nazi Hunter
  85. Auguste Rodan
  86. Dishonor Harrington
  87. Homicide Girl
  88. Wendigojira
  89. Behemothra
  90. The Original Party Animal
  91. Party Manimal
  92. John Carpenter’s Grendel
  93. Dhalgrendel
  94. The Venerable Bleed
  95. Time Traveler’s Insurance Agent
  96. She From the Cranberries
  97. Tesseractuary
  98. Deadeyed Susan
  99. Tales From The Cryptologist
  100. Like if Ophelia had been Carrie
  101. Harlan Telekinellison
  102. Frank Frazetta’s Deathdealer of the Author
  103. Roland Barthes Deschain
  104. Franchise Killer
  105. Mademoiselle Guillotine
  106. Our Lady of Perpetual Motion
  107. The guy who somehow learned perfect kung fu from playing Go, even though kung fu is a Chinese martial art and Go is Japanese and it doesn’t make sense
  108. Carbon Cop
  109. Tom Chainsawyer
  110. Chaingun Smoker
  111. The Grey-Ethical-Area Mouser
  112. HG Gravity Well
  113. Time Mechanic
  114. Straw Feminist
  115. Wicker Feminist
  116. Pied Bagpiper
  117. Mexican Pet Store Owner
  118. Two-Fisted Genealogist
  119. Four-Fisted Anything
  120. Nikki Six-Gun
  121. Ghost With Boundary Issues
  122. Alcoholic Pikeman With Aspirations
  123. Insecure Whaleslinger
  124. Motivational Speaker For The Dead
  125. Freddy Kruger-Dunning
  126. Gothic Heroine Running Away From a House
  127. The House In The Above Scenario
  128. Best Friend (Who Does Not Meet the Beauty Standard) in Romantic Comedy
  129. Stickerbook Renegade
  130. The Reason You No Longer Go There
  131. Jukebox Antihero
  132. Revisionist Historian
  133. Traditional Marriage Broker
  134. Hug Demiurge
  135. Drew Barrymore in Firestarter’s Brain On Drugs
  136. Kenneth Brooks Unironic Unicorn
  137. The Last Unicron
  138. Friend Who Got Into Jesus Like, Way Into Jesus
  139. Demiurge Overkill
  140. Gnostradamus
  141. Foreign Exchange Student Somehow Doing Better in English Than You
  142. Nelly Frankenfurtado
  143. R Kelly’s Urologist
  144. Elvis Presbyterian
  145. Professor Who Got High With Your Dad
  146. Elvish Presley
  147. The Friend Whose Band Actually Went Somewhere, But Then Their Label Wanted Her To Lose Weight and Date Men
  148. Theoretical Physiologist
  149. Audre Warlorde
  150. Sylvia Plathologist
  151. Wizard Who Tells Everybody He’s A Sorceror Because It’s Just Easier Than Explaining The Difference
  152. Ex-Fiance’s Mom Who Still Sends Christmas Cards
  153. It’s Complicator
  154. Same Sex Union Buster
  155. Magic Pinkerton
  156. Civil Action Hero
  157. Helsinki Accordionist
  158. Expository Farmhand
  159. Geneva Convention-goer
  160. Suspiciously Knowledgeable Minor Character
  161. Pro-Nom
  162. Trader Joe’s In-House Frustrated Playwright
  163. Love Interest Designated By Prophecy
  164. The Only One With Handwriting Neat Enough For the Sandwich Board
  165. More Interesting Protagonist Killed In Reel 1 of Horror Film
  166. Anti-Warlock
  167. Conscientious Objectifier
  168. Astral Projectionist
  169. Necromance Novelist
  170. Rides A Pale Horse Whisperer
  171. Programmer Certified in Agile Methodology You Can Never Remember the Name Of
  172. Kenneth Brooks Death Knight In White Satin
  173. White Knightrider
  174. Ladystreethawke
  175. Person Who Listens to Other People in the Bathroom and Wonders if They’re Normal
  176. Mechanophilanthropist
  177. Bromantic Poet
  178. Philadelphilologist
  179. Liberty Belle of the Ball
  180. Prolific Member of Internet Culture You’re Pretending You’ve Heard Of
  181. Scruffy Looking Nerf Modder
  182. Blarney Stoner
  183. Steampunk Semiotician
  184. Person Who Still Reads Slashdot
  185. Idiot Savate
  186. Lenny Bruce Lee
  187. R Swashbuckminster Fuller
  188. Guy Who Got Mistaken For Fidel Castro By The CIA One REALLY Awkward Night at the Bar
  189. Street Mimeographer
  190. Shield Law Maiden
  191. Valkyrie Kilmer
  192. Sarah Jessica Parkour
  193. Space Ghostbuster
  194. Shame-Based Therapist
  195. Interpoltergeist
  196. Light Emitting Dryad
  197. Not-so-secretly Wants to be Lou Reed
  198. Armageddy Lee
  199. Sweet Child of Light
  200. Artist Who Was, Under Strict NDA, in Negotiation to Take Over Drawing Peanuts
  201. Ronnie James Deist
  202. Creator Of a High-Profile CW Series Who Secretly Can’t Remember Which One
  203. “Band or Album” World Champion
  204. National Teleportation Safety Administrator
  205. Homeworld Security Agent
  206. Roommate’s Boyfriend You Saw In His Underwear And There Was Something Abnormal
  207. Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fire Elemental
  208. Girl You Kissed For a Really Long Time Before You Realized She Was More Into It Than You But You’d Actually Like To Hang Out Just With Less Tongue
  209. Warpstone Cowboy
  210. Ancient Mariner
  211. Somebody’s Kid, You’re Not Sure Whose
  212. Those People On Facebook Who Make Everyone Turn Off Notifications
  213. Voice Shouting Ethnic Slurs in COD That You Actually Think You Recognize
  214. Misanthropologist
  215. Anthropomorphologist
  216. Centaur for Advanced Research
  217. New Wave Film Director
  218. Social Lubricator
  219. Your Employer’s Albatross
  220. Strangelove Interest
  221. Fortune Cookie Writer Who Makes Way More Per Word Than You’d Think
  222. Alfred Hitchhiker
  223. Stanley Kubricklayer
  224. Last Louse on the Left
  225. Wes Craven’s Last Hunt
  226. Clarinetrunner
  227. Portmanotaur
  228. Malapropmaster
  229. There Is No Spoonerism
  230. Redditor In Tooth and Claw
  231. Wine-Dark Humorist
  232. Balloon Juicer
  233. Jimmy Walker in the Waste
  234. Author Who Wants To Write For Playboy For the Articles
  235. Stephen Kingmaker
  236. Truman Capo
  237. Blood and Gore Vidal
  238. Henry Louis Gatekeeper
  239. Alan Keyesmaster
  240. Professor Who Wrote A Book Arguing That Thomas Becket Really Had It Coming
  241. The Pillsbury Drone Boy
  242. Reactive Armorer
  243. Treaclemancer
  244. Brainstorm Knight
  245. Lightning Bottler
  246. Knight Airhead
  247. Druid Barrymore
  248. John Monolithgow
  249. Kingdom Heart Surgeon
  250. Klaus Nomad
  251. David Recurve Bowie
  252. Ifrit Elba
  253. Vin Dieselpunk
  254. Person On Your Feed That Might Or Might Not Be There Because You Slept With Them
  255. Waiter Who Might Have Been Flirting Or Might Have Thought You Were Creeping On Him
  256. Decryptozoologist
  257. Mainframe Fortean Programmer
  258. My Life With The Thrill Kill Cultist
  259. Innsmouth Looker
  260. Future Ex-Ghoulfriend
  261. Entrepreneur Who Thinks Crowdfunding Is A Business Model
  262. 19th Century BCE Queen of the Polyamorites

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